Are you kidding New York Restaurant?

You make me wait 25 minutes or longer for a table. Fine. You're a popular restaurant so I can handle that. You charge me 250% of what the food costs you. Your food is good so it doesn't bother me that much. The waiter comes to take my drink order, and brings me a diet coke. When I am midway through the meal, clearly thirsty at this point because he hasn't been back to the table since the food came, he asks me if I want another diet coke. I am so thirsty from the sodium bomb that is my meal that without hesitation I reply yes. And then the bill comes and I realize that I've just spent $11 on diet coke. That, New York Restaurant bothers me. Are you kidding? First you have the audacity to charge $3.50 for the drink, which is ridiculous in itself, and then you don't have the curtesy to fill it up again and not charge me. When Frank the Tank bonged his first beer in Old School, he yelled at Spanish to "Fill it up again!" Spanish not only filled it up again, he didn't charge him. And that was for beer, which costs way more than the carbonated water and syrup that is pop (soda for the east coast readers. And if you call it anything else hold down the alt key and hit F4 and never read this blog again. That's just stupid calling it something else. What's wrong with you?) And you might argue that he might have charged him off camera, but if he had, do you really think he would have gotten into Lambda Epsilon Omega? No he wouldn't have. It probably costs you less than 25 cents to refill my glass but you charge me anyways? If you ever came to my house, New York Restaurant, I would charge you per square of toilet paper and serve really spicy chicken and prune juice. Then you would know what it feels like when you fiscally molest your patrons for another diet coke.

Are you kidding Facebook?

Facebook. You've changed the way we keep in touch with friends, view pictures, stalk people. That's right, stalk people. Click on the profiles of friends of friends of friends until it's 2:30am and we're looking at pictures of a party attended by people we don't know at a school we've never been to. And then when we actually meet one of the people whose profile was one of the hundreds we've clicked on. We smile, say hello and act like we've never met the person before, and all the while in our heads we can name their school, what their favorite movies are, and where they went for their past 3 vacations. Don't pretend like any of us don't do it. Everyone does and it's addicting. And the last thing any of us need is stalking assistance, but you seem to think otherwise. Are you kidding Facebook? Why would you help? Your new "People you may know" feature is like putting a big bottle whiskey at an AA meeting. You put finding out which one of our friend's friends we may know, but for some reason or another aren't friends with, on a big silver platter. First you charge for sending gifts, which are nothing more than graphics, and now this. I feel like a dog, and you are Michael Vick holding a raw steak. We don't want to look, because we know that if we do we'll get abused. But we do it anyways. And you might argue Facebook that we don't have to visit your website. But we both know that is also not true. No one wants to be the fat kid when picking dodge ball teams. So the next time you want to give a handful of chips and a deck of cards to a gambling addict, at least give a warning.

Are you kidding loud grunting guy at the gym?

Physical fitness? Watch what you eat, exercise, don't smoke....it's important. And, without it we wouldn't have great infomercials for ridiculous exercise apparatuses with celebrity endorsements like Susan Summers for the the Thigh Master or Chuck Norris & Christie Brinkley for the Total Gym. (Yes, I knew those off the top of my head. No, I am not embarrassed, I just watch a lot of t.v.) But it's safe to say that instead of making 4 easy payments of $52.99, most people join a gym. And gyms are great. They have all the equipment and services that anyone would need to fulfill their wildest fitness dreams. But what gym's don't need is the bonus soundtrack. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Are you kidding loud grunting guy at the gym? Everyone knows you are there. It's kind of hard not to notice an old guy wearing a two-sizes-too-small-cutoff t-shirt who obviously has more chemicals running through him than the major leagues. Why do you feel it necessary to further announce your presence by grunting? You make it sound like Edwin Starr's "War" is playing on repeat. I get it. The weights are heavy. But are they heavier than the entire Junior Team USA? You see, loud grunting guy at the gym, Coach Gordon Bombay lifted the entire team to win the Junior Goodwill Games. And not once during D2: The Mighty Ducks did he grunt. I think the weights you are lifting weigh a little less than Goldberg and the Bash Brothers, let alone the rest of the team. So the next time you want to loudly grunt at the gym, think of the knuckle puck and keep your damn mouth shut.

Are you kidding bathroom attendant?

I can go to the bar. I can order my own drink. And surprisingly enough, I can even consume that drink all by myself. So what makes you think that I can't turn on my own water or grab my own towel, bathroom attendant? Yes, I know you are there as a service. But no, I don't want any. I don't want you to grab my towel; I don't want your candy; and I sure as hell don't want to give you a dollar. Call me cheap but does pumping soap into my hand hold the same value as the items found on the greatness that is the Wendy's 99 cent menu? The next time I frequent the squared hamburger joint and order a JBC (That's a junior bacon cheese burger, and shame on you for not knowing!) and a 5 piece, when the cashier holds her hand out for the $1.98 I'll just whip out my bottle of Dial, give her two pumps and a paper towel and tell her we'll call it even. But for some reason that probably wouldn't go over too well bathroom attendant. And like I always say, "If it's not good enough for Dave Thomas (may he rest in peace) then it's not good enough for me." (Actually, that's the first time I've ever said that, but it's besides the point.) And, why do you sometimes feel the need to play music? Although there is a small possibility I might enjoy the 99 cent bargain bin music that I haven't heard before coming from your top of the line 1988 duct tape held together boom box, there's a greater chance that I won't. So let's just call a truce bathroom attendant. The next time I pass your cologne and candy lined sink, I'll get my own soap and you'll leave me the hell alone.

Are you kidding New York City walking morning commuter?

It's raining. I get it. No one likes walking in the rain. But did it occur to you New York City walking morning commuter that everyone else on the sidewalk wants to get to their destination as much as you do? Then why is it that when water falls from the sky you all of the sudden don't know how to get from your apartment/the train station/the person's apartment whose name you don't know because you had one too many drinks last night to where are you going. You stop abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk as if no one is going to be behind you. Guess what? There are 11 million people in the tri-state area, 3 of which are on the island of Manhattan. Chances are there is going to be someone behind you. And when there is more then 2 people across the side walk you hold your umbrella at such weird angles that it either offers you no shelter from the rain or the chances of you poking someone are like the chances of the Save By the Bell gang solving their ridiculous problem by the end of the episode, pretty damn good. (Which always made me wonder how a group of teenagers could solve an addiction problem in 30 min, excluding commercial time.) NYC walking morning commuter just because it's raining doesn't mean you have to lose all sidewalk sensibility. Its like you are a Chia pet, but when you get wet instead of growing sprouts for hair you just grow stupid. I expect more from you next time it rains in the morning. You're better than that.

Are you kidding elephant protesters?

Yes I've seen Dumbo. Yes I was happy at the end when he learned how to fly and the racially depicted crows sang him off as the screen went dark. But that was when I was 5, and I was on my way to nap time, not lunch. So I sort of understand where you are coming from elephant protesters, as you stand in a large herd taking up most of the sidewalk on 7th Ave standing in my way as I walk to grab a sandwich. I understand that you are upset that two baby elephants died while in the care of the circus and you want the public to know about it. But if you are being completely objective, and as you carry the signs picturing the dead baby elephants I'll assume you are, why aren't you protesting Animal Planet, Discovery, or better yet, lions? Don't you have cable elephant protesters? There has been a countless number of times that I've turned on the television to see a lion attacking and eating a baby elephant alive. I find it hard to believe that after a hard day's work in the tiny car, the clowns gather around and dig into a fresh slice of live baby elephant. And although the lion diet comes in other varieties besides infant elephant de jour, I find it hard to believe that the entire lion population was sustained on 2 baby elephants or less. So before you go and fight to bring down the circus industry elephant protesters, I think you need to take a good look at who the real enemy is.

Are you kidding NCAA selection committee?

Woo Hoo! March Madness! Everyone get excited. Fill out your brackets and maybe you can guess who will go all the way for a couple hundred bucks and bragging rights. Naturally, I would have Ohio State going to at least the final four, but I think there's a problem with espn.com, cbs.sportsline.com, and even si.com. Every bracket I go to download and fill out seems to be missing the Buckeyes. And it makes me feel like Ashley Dupré looking in on a "classy girls only" party, left out and empty. I don't know about the rest of you, but when big NCAA events like fall football and march madness don't have Ohio State as a contender, let alone a participant, I just don't get as excited as I would otherwise. Admittedly I didn't watch this Basketball season as closely as I could have, but there is always a part of me that feels like Ohio State participation is a given. But when it doesn't happen March madness isn't quite so mad. So yeah, there's a cool club in March made up of 64 schools and it sucks that the Buckeyes aren't one of them. But hey, there's always fencing.