Are you kidding people who post pictures of the temprature?

Are you kidding people who think the world is going to end on Saturday?

It's been raining in New York for the past several days, and the lack of sun coupled with the need to carry an umbrella everywhere always makes me ask when is the rain going to end. Luckily, the world has bat-shit crazy people who are voluntarily answering the question. May 21, 2011, the rain will stop. Not because of a warm front migrating up the east coast. No. Naturally, it's because the wold is going to end Saturday. Are you kidding people who think the world is going to end? Not only are you posting bill boards and hitting up Costco like Arnold hit up his maid to be prepared for the impending doom that you say is about to be upon us, you've taken media attention from other important current issues like moms giving 8-year olds botox. Sure there are people who would want the world to end, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Osama bin Ladan's 8 wives, and Oprah fans, but the majority of people don't welcome a day without a tomorrow. So please, keep the Rapture, Apocalypse, and the possibility of the Miami Heat winning a championship to yourselves. Because logically, scientifically, the world can't end on Saturday. Why? Because Kung Fu Panda 3 hasn't been announced or released in theaters yet.

Are you kidding pregnant teenaged pizza shop girl?

In a day and age where celebrities are all the craze, it comes as no surprise to see girls getting haircuts like their favorite television character, wearing clothes they saw in OK! Magazine, or making a sex tape with *insert somewhat-known musician/athlete/Austin Powers midget.* Celebrities are good looking, have tons of money, and, from the perspective of most Americans, live the dream life. But when teenage pregnancy became the new "shave my head and lose custody of my sons," one would think the line would be drawn. Well, one would think wrong. Are you kidding pregnant girl in the pizza shop? It's bad enough I have to read about the Alaskan teenager who got knocked up, happens to be the daughter of a Vice Presidential candidate, and wore an Ohio State hoody the same day she was photographed to be on the cover of the New York Post. (Ohio State supporters are fertile. Who knew? Go Bucks!) And it's bad enough that I had to read about the redneck teenager who got knocked up, happens to be the sister of the aforementioned celebrity who started the "shave my head and lose custody of my sons" trend, sending the Alaskan baby mama a gift. But for you to follow said trend and throw it in my face by wearing a shirt that reads, "I'm not fat, I'm just pregnant," well that's just too much. What's wrong with you? It was like your pregnancy was Rick James, and it just slapped me in the face. It's times like this, pregnant teenaged pizza shop girl, that you should choose your own destiny. A great animatronic Aztec Temple carving once said "the choice is yours and yours alone." And you should probably heed this advice. For if Ol' Mac from Legends of the Hidden Temple doesn't know a thing or two about teenaged pregnancy, then I'm a Silver Snake...or a pit bull who wears lipstick.

Are you kidding political facebooker?

It's called facebook.com. That's face and book combined to make one word. It's not called soapbox.com. It's not called tell-me-your-political-views.com. And it's sure as hell not called how-do-you-feel-about-hot-beauty-pageant-moms-turned-governor-who-happen-to-land-a-potential-vice-presidency-spot.com. So what gives you the right to bombard my news feed with political slogans and news stories? Are you kidding political facebooker? Guess what? I don't give a rat's ass who you're voting for. And I'll let you in on a little secret...neither does anyone else. Are you really under the illusion that posting or commenting on a story from Fox News is going to sway a person's opinion one way or the other? Let me tell you something. You're not Stephen Colbert; You're not John Stewart; and you are NOT John Stamos. Now I know Mr. Stamos doesn't have his own political commentary show on Comedy Central, but are you really going to disagree with Uncle Jesse? Didn't think so. Let's try to get back to normalcy, before the election. A more peaceful time, where instead of finding out whether you bleed blue or red, I could spend my time finding embarrassing pictures that you untagged of yourself, hoping noone would see. But in all honesty November is 2 months away. That's almost 60 days, and chances are I'll be on facebook 58 of them. So instead of posting that political Youtube video that you think is so funny that all of your friends need to see it too, take a page from David Duchovny's book and use the internet for what it was intended: Porn.

Are you kidding MTV reality show alumni?

If a baseball player isn't talented, he gets cut from the team and won't be in a Gatorade commercial. If a musician isn't talented he gets booed off stage and probably won't be in the next edition of Guitar Hero. And if an actor, like Bob Saget, isn't talented he wouldn't have fathered the Olsen twins as Danny Tanner for 8 seasons. So why is it that a person who has no talent but has been on reality television gets treated like they crap gold bars? Are you kidding MTV reality show alumni? Sure you can go to the bar and drink for free, hook up with anything that walks, and have it all documented in night vision, but that hardly constitutes as a talent. And yet you show up to clubs, restaurant openings, clinics with free STD tests, acting like you are the most important person there. But really, besides degrading yourself on national television every Wednesday night at 10 pm for 12 weeks what have you done? Gotten in catty fights over pointless issues; sure. Thrown up on the street or gotten arrested; of course. Contributed anything worthwhile to society that entitles you to the royal treatment; not really. And when someone is excited to see you (for some awful reason) don't act like you are too good to say hello. You're not. You're just some kid MTV producers decided to exploit to sell ad spots, nothing more. They used you like Pam Anderson used dirty needles. And while she contracted hepetitus, the MTV excecs made thousands of dollars and all you recieved was a free bottle of Belvedeer and a life full of shame as a chaser. But maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. It is possible that instead of going to college and getting a degree I should have been trying to win over Telia Tequilla's love. Because Uncle Jessie didn't go to college. He started a band and seemed to do all right... until the show got canceled. And unfortuatly MTV reality show alumni there is no cancel button in real life, so either stay home or wait in line and pay for your drinks like the rest of us.

Are you kidding fat lady escalator blocker?

I could complain that I had to sit on the runway for 2 hours the day before only to have my flight get canceled. But I won't. I could complain that Continental charged me $50 to change my flight from Laguardia to Newark. But that's in the past, and there's nothing I can do about it. (Literally. I called up customer service and the ever-so-nice lady and her supervisor told me so...twice. Also, the pleasantly kind supervisor told me that she didn't have a supervisor I could talk to and although she wouldn't tell me exactly who he was, I couldn't talk to the person who signed her pay check either.) Or I could complain that Jimmy Fallon as a replacement for Conan is like substituting toilet paper with that of sand, but seeing as I've never actually wiped with sand paper, I guess that wouldn't be fair. No, I'm not going to complain about any of those things because you made me miss the downtown E train by taking up the entire escalator and walking at a snail's pace. Are you kidding fat lady escalator blocker?It's bad enough I had to walk behind you on the non-moving escalator. I had to agonizingly watching you move down the stairs like a boulder falling through a Plinko board. Shifting your weight unexpectedly so that every time I thought you were going one way, you moved the other blocking my ability to pass. I had to listen to you breathe as heavy as Rocky after he fought Apollo Creed, for three flights of stairs. And this was taking the stairs going down! But the worst part was that as I descended the stairs at a snail's pace, I thought "I'm going to miss my train." And as sure as your love affair with the King and Queen of Burgers and Dairy, respectively, when I finally reached the platform, the E train was pulling away. I guess that's where Sir Mix A Lot and I differ. Because instead of letting you into my Mercedes, I would have rather pushed you in front of that train I missed. (And no, my anaconda didn't want none. And yes, it took me until I was about 15 to realize what that meant.) So the next time you want to take the walk down to the train, fat lady escalator blocker, step aside. Or take the elevator, because let's be honest, is that trip down the stairs really going to make that big of difference?

Are you kidding Moe's Southwest Grill?

Some things should definitely have an expiration date. Milk. Perishable Food. Lauren Conrad. News stories about rising gas prices and how the economy isn't doing too hot. (We get it. It's bad out there. But you sending a reminder everyday by reporting on how the price of a barrel of oil is up or how airlines are cutting jobs does not help. How about I come over to your house everyday after I let dogs pee on your carpet and remind you how bad it smells. Then you'll know how the public feels when they see your stories.) However, the one thing that should never have an expiration date is a good bargain. So then why is it that when I order off the kids menu you didn't give me the included cookie and soft drink. Are you kidding Moe's Southwest Grill? I walked all the way to 1st avenue in the 20's for the Moo Moo Mister Cow. And as I made my journey downtown I was excited with anticipation. I haven't had a dining experience with you since college and as I thought about the mini burrito, chips, cookie, and soft drink all for the low price of about $8, it's not difficult to understand why. So imagine the disappointment and betrayal I felt when your employee told me that the cookie and drink would not be included because I was too old. Sure the menu says for kids 12 and under and the cookie and drink only ended up being an extra $2.50, but what the hell? Would it have killed your profits for the day? Were you trying to prove a point? I also didn't appreciate that when I told your employee the Moe's at The (pronounced Thee) Ohio State University gave me the free cookie and soda, he snidely replied, "Well, this is New York." As if I accidentally stumbled into your store, not knowing what city/state I was in. I wanted to reply, "Well, this is Gigli" and torture him by forcing him to watch that horrible Ben Affleck/JLo movie, but it probably wouldn't have gone over too well. (Plus, that would have taken a lot of preparation and time and I was hungry) I've never known the feeling of being discriminated against for my age. Sure people might look at me funny when they find out I still watch cartoons, but that doesn't take money out my pocket. The only good thing that came out of this is that I finally could relate to how Blanche felt on the Golden Girls when Bea Arthur told her she was too old to be promiscuously dating. That, and I had one of my worst after-meal episodes in your restroom. So I guess we're even.